No Wings to Fly Read online

  She said nothing.

  ‘Just a few minutes,’ Joel said.

  After a second she gave a nod. ‘Yes – all right. Just for a while.’

  He smiled. ‘Good. That’s excellent.’

  ‘I must bring you your book back too.’

  ‘Will you have finished it by then?’

  ‘I don’t know – but you must have it back.’

  ‘I’m in no hurry for it. Keep it as long as you want.’

  She said nothing to this, and they stood in silence for some moments, she avoiding his gaze, which she knew was fixed upon her. Then she gave a little nod, an awkward half-smile, and said, ‘Well – goodbye, then.’

  He smiled. ‘Till next Sunday – yes, goodbye.’

  She turned and started away. It was some fifty yards to the house, and over every inch of those fifty yards the repeating thought went through her brain that she was behaving like a fool. How could she have agreed to meet him again? No good could ever come of it.

  She came to the gate and, turning, saw him still standing there, watching her. Then, suddenly, she was hurrying back towards him. As she came to a halt before him, she said without preamble, gabbling the words, ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t see you next Sunday. I simply shan’t have time. I’m very sorry.’ A brief pause. ‘Goodbye.’

  ‘Oh, wait a second,’ he said as she started away. ‘What about – well – can’t we meet on some other day?’

  She turned back to face him. ‘I – I don’t know,’ she stammered. ‘Listen – I must go.’ She turned away, and then immediately turned back to him again. ‘Send me your address,’ she said, ‘and I’ll send you back your book.’

  He frowned. ‘What? I don’t want the book. You can keep it.’

  ‘Oh, but –’

  ‘It’s just a book.’

  She gave a little nod. ‘Well – thank you.’ Another little nod. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m really so sorry.’ She turned away for the last time. ‘Goodbye.’

  As she walked away she could feel his eyes on her back. This time when she got to the gate, she did not look back.

  The following Sunday afternoon, returning to the Haskins’ after getting Mrs Shalcross’s midday dinner, Lily took her usual route past the park. As she drew near the entrance she saw Joel there, sitting on a bench by the gates. For a moment she faltered in her step, and briefly considered changing direction, but he had his eyes on her, she could see, and as she approached, he got up from his seat and came towards her.

  ‘See, you can’t get rid of me that easily,’ he said.

  She stood self-consciously before him. She felt foolish and ill-kempt. Through carelessness in Mrs Shalcross’s kitchen she had stained her dress, and now she could feel that a couple of her hair pins were coming loose.

  ‘I began to think you weren’t coming,’ he said. ‘Or maybe that you’d taken another route home.’

  ‘I had to stay on with the old lady. I’ve been doing jobs for her around the house.’ She shook her head. ‘I – I can’t stop, I’m afraid. I told Mrs Haskin I’d be back in good time.’

  ‘Can’t you spare a few minutes? Ten minutes won’t hurt.’

  When she did not answer, he said, ‘Five minutes, then. Come and sit down for five minutes.’ As he spoke there came from within the park the sound of the band striking up. ‘There you are,’ he said, ‘here’s the music – just for you.’

  ‘No, really, I’ve got to go. I’m sorry.’

  With her words she stepped away, and at once he moved along beside her.

  They walked without speaking alongside the park railings, then crossed the street to turn at the corner of Nelson Way, Lily walking at a smart pace, her basket over her arm. The music of the band faded behind them. After they’d gone a little way, Joel said, chuckling, ‘Well, you can certainly step it out, Lily. Good job I’ve got long legs.’

  She slowed her pace a little. At the next corner she came to a halt. As Joel stopped beside her, she said, ‘You don’t need to come any further, thank you.’ She felt the skin on her face hot, flushed. She wanted only to get away.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Joel said. ‘Have I done something to offend you? Have I said something?’

  ‘What? No, of course not.’ She looked down, unable to meet his gaze.

  ‘Then tell me what it is – what’s wrong. It’s like I’ve become some – some leper, or something.’

  ‘Look,’ she said, and took a step away, ‘I’ve got to go, really I have.’

  ‘Oh, no – don’t.’ His voice held a pleading tone. ‘Not like this. I’ve done something to offend you. You must tell me what it is. Please. We were getting on so well, and then – then you suddenly changed towards me. I thought we were becoming friends.’

  She gave a little shake of her head. ‘We can’t be.’

  ‘No?’ He frowned his puzzlement. ‘Why is that? Have you discovered my secret past?’

  ‘Your secret past?’ She raised her eyes to him now.

  ‘I’m joking, Lily. That’s all.’ He gave a little groan. ‘I’m out of my depth here.’

  ‘No,’ she said, ‘it is I who am out of my depth.’

  His frown was back. ‘Are you? How? In what way?’

  She was silent for a second, then she said, ‘I’m a general maid, a maid-of-all-work, and I can’t see my situation changing dramatically. No matter how much I might wish it to.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ he said. ‘Things could change for you. You could be a teacher one day, the way you want to be.’

  ‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘This is the real world. No one’s going to wave some magic wand. But that’s not the point. Joel – I have to think of what might happen . . .’ She came to a halt, unsure how to go on.

  ‘What might happen?’ he said.

  ‘Yes, with you and me. You said you like me and –’

  ‘Oh, I do. You know I do.’

  ‘Yes,’ she breathed, and gave a melancholy little smile. ‘And it made me so glad to know that.’

  ‘I thought you liked me too,’ he said.

  She made no response, and he added, ‘I thought you did.’

  Looking down at the dusty road, she murmured, ‘You must know I do.’

  He smiled. ‘Then what is the problem?’

  She hesitated, searching for words. ‘It doesn’t matter – if we like one another,’ she said. ‘Don’t you see, it can’t do any good. Just the contrary, in fact. I make my living, such as it is, in domestic service. I’m just a maidservant.’

  ‘No!’ he said with a note of passion in his whisper. ‘You’re not just a maidservant. You’re a clever, intelligent girl. I think you’re absolutely splendid – and you could be the best teacher a child ever had.’

  His words gladdened her heart, and for a moment or two she basked in their warmth. Then, putting on a comical little voice, in a heavy country accent, she said, ‘O’ course, you’ve got to know as I’ve been well brought up, sir. To be a good girl, I mean.’ She ended the words with a little laugh that rang hollow in the afternoon.

  Joel did not join in. Gravely he said, ‘I know very well you’re a good girl, Lily Clair, and I’ve never thought otherwise, not for one single moment.’ He paused. ‘I like you, Lily, so much.’ His tone was softly earnest. ‘And you know I mean that seriously.’

  She was silent for a second, then she said, ‘But I’m still a maid, Joel, and you’re still the son of a wealthy man, a man with a position. And such a man has great hopes and plans for his son. And I’m sure he’s taught you accordingly, and taught you well. Your mother, too. She has her own aspirations for you, and I daresay hers are not dissimilar to your father’s. They want you to be happy and successful, and I’m sure that that entails making a good marriage, doesn’t it?’ Following a little silence she gave a nod. ‘Of course it does. I’m quite sure that in their schemes they don’t see you getting serious about some little general maid.’

  ‘They want me to be happy, you’re right there,’ he
said. ‘And why shouldn’t we be friends?’

  ‘Don’t you see? There’s no future in a friendship for you and me. We move in different circles.’

  ‘Times are changing, Lily.’

  ‘Yes, no doubt they are. But they won’t change quickly enough to affect us.’ She gave a sigh, eyes fixed on the ground. ‘I must go.’

  ‘Lily,’ he said, ‘don’t end it like this.’

  ‘I’ve got to try and be sensible.’ She briefly raised her eyes to his. ‘Goodbye, Joel.’

  Without waiting for a response she turned away, and left him standing there.

  *

  The following Sunday when she came by the park he was there again. As she drew closer he came towards her, greeting her with a smile and a hello.

  ‘I didn’t expect to see you here,’ she said.

  ‘Didn’t you? Would you believe me if I said I just happened to be passing by?’

  She had to smile. ‘Well, no – I have to say I wouldn’t.’

  ‘No, and I wouldn’t blame you. It wouldn’t be the truth.’ He paused. ‘You said to me that my father would have taught me well, didn’t you? Well, he’s taught me many things, one of them being that I should never take no for an answer.’

  ‘I’ll remember that,’ she said, then added, ‘Though if you wait for me again next week you’re going to wait a very long time.’

  ‘Ah, yes, you’re going home – to Compton Wells.’

  ‘For a fortnight. I leave first thing Sunday morning.’

  He gave a nod and sighed. ‘And soon after you return I shall be off to France – and then come back for Cambridge, for the new term.’

  He was studying her intently as he spoke, and she said after a moment, ‘What’s wrong? Have I got smuts on my nose?’

  ‘I’m trying to read your expression,’ he said. ‘I’m wondering whether I dare ask you to walk with me for a spell – seeing as how I can’t come and waylay you next Sunday.’

  Her mouth broadened into a smile, and he put his head a little on one side and said, ‘Oh, Lily, I appreciate everything you say, but let’s not let a perfectly good friendship go to waste. We can be friends, I know we can. And I’d never see you get hurt, I promise you I wouldn’t.’

  ‘Oh, don’t,’ she said quickly. ‘Don’t make promises.’

  ‘I mean it.’

  ‘I know you do, but – I’m eighteen years old. Old enough to go through life with my eyes open.’

  They stood for some moments without speaking, then he said, ‘Well – are we going for a walk?’

  Still not answering, she stood reconsidering.

  ‘It’s only a walk in the park,’ he said. ‘It’s not a trip to the moon.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, all right. Just for a little while.’ After all, she said to herself, what harm could it do? It was just a little walk in the sun. And besides, she had made clear to him her reservations, her awareness of the barrier of their differing situations, and she would not allow anything to sway her from her position of commonsense.

  Side by side they walked past the bandstand while the band played a lilting waltz melody. Lily said, ‘I don’t know this song,’ to which Joel replied, ‘It’s called ‘Gardenias for my Lady’. I heard it sung at the music hall.’

  Lily listened to the strains of the music for a few seconds, then said, ‘It’s a very pretty tune,’ and added, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gardenia. I wouldn’t even know what one looks like. What colour are they?’

  ‘White. They’re white.’

  ‘Do they grow in England?’

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ Joel said.

  With the music following their steps they walked once more beside the pond, where the mallards again basked in the sun, and then sat for a little while talking and looking out over the water.

  There was not much time, though, and only a little later Joel walked back with her in the direction of the Haskins’ house. They came to a stop some fifty yards or so from the front gate.

  Joel said with a sigh, ‘The rest of the summer’s going to fly by, I know it. Before you can say Jack Robinson it’ll be over and I’ll be back at Cambridge.’

  ‘Oh, I envy you that,’ Lily said.

  ‘Going to Cambridge? Studying law?’

  ‘Well, not necessarily to study law, but to be able to study – for years even.’

  ‘They don’t have ladies there, you know. There are no young ladies training to be lawyers.’

  ‘That’s not right,’ she said. ‘It’s not fair. Why shouldn’t there be women advocates? After all, Portia did pretty well.’

  ‘Portia – oh, The Merchant of Venice. Yes, she did. But she had Shakespeare on her side.’

  They laughed together. ‘On the Sunday,’ he said, ‘when you come back – will you be in time to visit the old lady?’

  ‘Yes. I’m getting back in the morning.’

  ‘Then I’ll wait for you by the gates – is that all right?’

  ‘Well,’ she said, smiling, looking off past his ear, ‘it’s a free country.’

  Chapter Four

  The following Sunday morning, the fifth of August, Lily set off to get her train for Compton Wells, sitting in the trap with Mr Haskin holding the reins. Although he often went into the factory for an hour or two on a Sunday, on this day he would be going to Henhurst to pick up Mrs Shalcross and bring her back to the house for midday dinner. It would be no inconvenience, he had said to Lily, to take her to the station first and then call for his mother-in-law. So, late that morning she sat beside him as the vehicle bounced and rumbled over the rough roads, and did her best to relax in his company. It was not so easy. It was not often that she found herself alone with him, and when it happened she invariably found herself a little in awe of him, a little intimidated by his rather jovial way and his teasing questions.

  Today as they drove he began to speak of his friendship with Lily’s father, recalling times they had shared when they were younger and had fought together with the British army. Lily was fascinated to hear his recollections, and glad of them too, for her father rarely made reference to his earlier days in the military. Afterwards, with one subject leading to another, Mr Haskin went on to speak of his work at the factory, and related two or three anecdotes concerning some of the customers and employees. He had a comical, witty way with his stories, and Lily found herself genuinely amused. As he went on, she remarked on the long hours he worked. He seemed to take so little rest, she observed.

  ‘The work’s got to get done,’ he replied. ‘It’s as simple as that. And it’s not always possible to get the right people.’

  ‘Have you,’ Lily said, tentatively, ‘ever thought about employing more women at the company, sir?’

  ‘Well,’ he said, keeping his eyes on the road, ‘we’ve got Miss Carter working in the office.’

  ‘Yes, I know, but she’s the only one, and she’s an older, maiden lady – and your partner is her brother. I meant – would you employ younger women?’

  ‘Such as you, Lily, you mean.’ He turned and glanced at her now.

  ‘Well – yes.’

  ‘I reckon you’ve got tired of bein’ a maid, have you?’

  ‘Well – I was eighteen last month, sir, and almost three years I’ve been with you and Mrs Haskin. A maid’s petty place only lasts a year, generally. No maid stays in a post this long. Particularly at my age.’ She added quickly, ‘No offence, sir, you understand.’

  ‘None taken.’ He paused. ‘Well,’ he said after a moment, ‘I don’t doubt that you’re too smart to go maiding all your working life. You’re your father’s daughter, and you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, so it’s not surprising you’d be wanting something better. Though I don’t mind telling you that Mrs Haskin and I would be sorry to see you go.’

  ‘Thank you, sir.’

  ‘Mind you, I reckon at your age many girls are leaving service anyway, going off and getting married.’ He grinned. ‘Isn’t there some young man for you, Lily? Some nice you
ng fellow with a bob or two in his pocket who’s desperate to marry you? Pretty girl like you, there should be. Must be somebody round Whitton way. Not that you get much time for courting, though, I daresay – and it’s all very well for you to be reading your books, but there are other things in life.’

  Lily said nothing to this, but looked straight ahead. Mr Haskin too was silent for a moment, then he said, ‘But as for coming to work at Silver – it’s something we can think about. I’ve no doubt you’d be an asset in the office, and perhaps Miss Carter could do with some assistance. Maybe I’ll talk to Mr Carter and Mr Horsham. Leave the matter with me. I won’t forget, I promise.’

  ‘Thank you, sir.’

  He raised his head. ‘Enough of business for now, Lily. Look at that sky – you’ve got some nice weather ahead for your holiday.’

  At the station entrance, he asked whether she wanted any help with her bags, but she gratefully declined his offer. All she carried in the way of luggage was an old carpet bag lent to her by Mrs Haskin, and her reticule. Mr Haskin wished her a good holiday, and a few minutes after bidding him farewell, she had bought her ticket and was making her way along the platform.

  There was a delay on the journey, and the train was halted on the tracks for some little time. As a result it was late getting in to Compton Wells. Eventually, though, Lily arrived, and after the short omnibus journey, made her way along the lane to her home. She did so with no feeling of joy. Her two weeks’ holiday stretched out before her, and in spite of her hopes, she knew from past experience that it would not be a time of unalloyed pleasure.

  Her stepmother was in the kitchen when Lily entered, sorting linens at the table. It had been three months since Lily had last seen her, but in spite of the time of separation there was no warm welcome for her, indeed nothing of any welcome at all. Not that she would have expected such a thing.

  ‘Hello, Mother,’ Lily said as she stepped from the scullery.

  Mrs Clair flicked her a glancing look and said, ‘We expected you ages ago.’

  ‘Yes, the train got held up. There were sheep on the line near Cornley.’